I am no believer in newspapers, freedom of the press, printed words...all that reading makes my gut hurt. But be sure to check back here for brief and ballsy news updates on the progress of Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.'s Colbertan takeover!


SUNDAY, MAY 8
Nation - it is with a heavy heart that we announce the closing of the Citizens For Colberta Coalition. Click here to read our goodbye message, as we discuss our reason for closing, and how our mission is now essentially complete.


Tuesday, May 3
Colberta Nation, let me first start by saying WHOOOOOOO! WE DID IT! A MAJORITY! While "Operation Duncan Donuts" failed to unseat the NDP MP from Edmonton-Strathcona, Alberta still succesfully maintained its 96% ballsiness, retaining all 27 House seats in the fightin' Sunshine province! Congrats to rookie Alberta MP's Michelle Rempel and Jim Hillyer, and a special congrats to über-PM-MP Prime Minister Sir Stephen himself!

Stay tuned in the coming days for a big announcement from Colberta.com, coming off the heels of this historic night!

Saturday, March 26
It's like Christmas come early! A potential Conservative majority, gift-wrapped in the tears of Michael Ignatieff, and bow-tied with Jack Layton's smug sense of satisfaction! Stay tuned to Colberta.com leading up to the May 2 election, as we wait for not just Conservative domination by Sir Stephen and Co., but...dare I say it, a fully blue Alberta?!? Let's make it happen, people!

Tuesday, January 25
First we lose Normie "The China Clipper," then Jimmy The Bank Greeter...now good ol' Uncle Ed?!?! What is this world coming to, people? What's next, annexation with Saskatchewan? Mother$^%*^@(&!!!!

Tuesday, January 4
I spoke too soon, Nation...because our glorious leader today brought us the only thing bigger than Oprah's Favorite Things: A CABINET SHUFFLE! While it is tragic that we must now lose our award-winning Minister Of The Environment to the "Pocket Scud Stud," two MPs we have "Better Known" are both movin' on up! That's right, Ted Menzies of the fightin' Siksika is your new Minister Of State For Finance, and your new Minister Of State For Foreign Affairs is none other than fellow Yank and host of the fightin' schnoz summit, Diane Ablonczy! Well done, Team Harper!

Monday, January 3, 2011
Happy 2011 to you, Colberta nation! There is some excitement from the plains of Colberta...a new Federal MP we get to "Better Know" in Calgary-Centre North! And while Jimmy Prentice is sadly leaving, we can take solace in knowing that we now have an award-winning Minister Of The Environment who has taken his place, and that his old seat in the fightin' north centre can be filled by the new pianist for the soon-to-come Cdr. Harper's Lonely Hearts Club Band! A big year to come, Colberta Nation!

Monday, September 6
It is that time again...the twenty-eighth and final chapter of "Better Know A- Lberta!" is upon us. And to commemorate this sad event, we feature Macleod...home to a UNESCO park, another park they made a beer after, and a whole whack of Star Trek dorks!

Thursday, September 2
The "Better Know A- Lberta!" is sadly winding down once again, featuring Calgary-Centre North as our second-to-last featured riding. Today, we are proud to feature all kinds of Satanists in the riding: undead comic anti-heroes, godless killing machines, indie pop crooners...and this guy!

Tuesday, August 31
"Better Know A- Lberta!" today profiles North America's "elite?" 24-hour northern airport in Edmonton-Leduc! I implore you, fellow Canadians, where else exactly can you fly in style to the über-chic metropolis of Norman Wells, Northwest Territories, hmm?

Sunday, August 29
Today's "Better Know A- Lberta!" features Calgary-Nose Hill, home to Canadian Minister Of State and MP-hero Diane Ablonczy...the only Albertan MP with the good sense to be born in America!

Thursday, August 26
"Better Know A- Lberta!" today is en Français! We feature Edmonton-St. Albert, Alberta's original Quebecois settlement! Poutine, hockey and separation anxiety...ah, mon dieu!

Tuesday, August 24
Today's "Better Know A- Lberta!" features the riding of Calgary-East, home to delicious Big Rock beer and one of Canada's sexiest MPs...could you really ask for anything more???

Sunday, August 22
The latest "Better Know A- Lberta!" features perhaps the most controversial riding in all of Canada, Fort McMurray-Athabasca, home to the vast reserves of Alberta oilsands. Enviro-fairies like Rethink Alberta are trying to shoo American and British tourists away from our fair land with nasty anti-environmental PR campaigns, but they seem to forget one crucial detail...people have to actually want to visit Alberta first before they can choose to boycott it!

Thursday, August 19
"Better Know A- Lberta!" pays tribute to the sheepherding socialists of Edmonton-Sherwood Park, craftily dodging taxes and respect from the rest of their city, province and country! But we can forgive, since foxy local Evangeline Lilly helps to make the men of Alberta (and the world) just that much more merry!

Tuesday, August 17
Today's "Better Know A- Lberta!" pays homage to Wild Rose, home of the beautiful Banff National Park and Lake Louise...the world's far and away leader in squirrel-crasher-meme-based tourism dollars!

Sunday, August 15
The latest "Better Know A- Lberta!" features Dick Cheney's misguided rifle...and ghost pigs! Need I say more? Click to check out the fightin' Rebels in Red Deer now!

Friday, August 13
The newest "Better Know A- Lberta!", Wetaskiwin, may be a day late, but we just did that to strike fear in the hearts of everyone who suffers from paraskevidekatriaphobia, a fear of Friday the 13th! The CCC? We just have an extreme case of Finoparaskevidekatriaphobia, a major fear of Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday!

Tuesday, August 10
The latest "Better Know A- Lberta!", Calgary-Southeast, features the home riding of Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism, Jason Kenney...and if this YouTube video is any proof, the soon-to-be Chairman of Electric Boogaloo!

Sunday, August 8
The Super Sweet 16th installment of "Better Know A- Lberta!" features The Gas City, The Potato Capital Of The West, The Fightin' Hat, and unequivically the home of the worst nicknames imaginable...Medicine Hat!

Thursday, August 5
The next "Better Know A- Lberta!" highlights Edmonton-Spruce Grove, home to the behemoth West Edmonton Mall: the only place where you can shoot a gun, say a prayer, find a wife and buy a phone in Canada!...legally, of course.

Tuesday, August 3
The 2010 installment of the Canadian Death Race has just wrapped in Yellowhead, the focus of our latest "Better Know A- Lberta!" installment...let's just say any race to feature a "kids death race," AND manages to avoid any references to Jason Statham is a bloody great day in our books!

Sunday, August 1
The latest "Better Know A- Lberta!" is live - and their MP once shockingly said Bigfoot is a member of the New Democratic Party. Shame on you, Edmonton-Mill Wooods-Beaumont MP Mike Lake...she prefers to be called "Olivia Chow" these days!

Thursday, July 29
Part 12 of "Better Know A- Lberta!" features Calgary-Northeast...where WestJet has just begun offering moustache rides! Wait, that's not right...

Tuesday, July 27
World's largest sausage. And I don't mean Ron Jeremy. Need I say more? New "Better Know A- Lberta!". Vegreville-Wainwright. Just click.

Sunday, July 25
Operation: Humble Kwong-Ye may not have been an overwhelming success, but once I find an arrogant rapper that rhymes with "Ethell," your ass is mine, Colonel Don! Check out his hizz-ouse in Chapter X of "Better Know A- Lberta!", Edmonton-Centre!

Thursday, July 22
The latest installment of "Better Know A- Lberta!" honours Westlock-St. Paul, home to many of Alberta's "Giants Of The Prairies": the world's largest mushroom in Vilna, the world's largest badminton racket in St. Paul, and the world's largest-headed MP in Ottawa!

Tuesday, July 20
It's been a year, and the CCC's radio and news coverage has tried to take them down...yet Nickelback still exists somehow! Perhaps "This Afternoon"...I might just hang myself, since I keep hearing that f*$&ing song! Anyhow, Part Eight of "Better Know A- Lberta!", Crowfoot, is re-live - at least this riding is also home to Tricia Helfer...?

Sunday, July 18
With the Stampede winding down, our focus now turns to Edmonton's Capital EX...that, and the fact that the Oilers and Esks couldn't buy a win with all of that Cap-EX Chilkoot Gold Rush cash if they tried! Part Seven of "Better Know A- Lberta!", Edmonton-East, is up now!

Thursday, July 15
Today, the CCC honours the Calgary Stampede in Part 6 of "Better Know A- Lberta!", Calgary-Centre, as "The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth" is well underway!...Too bad everyone is ducking for cover indoors and unable to see!

Tuesday, July 13
If Comrade Ignatieff is right, and Prime Minister Harper truly is the devil...then it's time to bow down to your new overlord! It's the shocking Part V of "Better Know A-Lberta!" - Calgary-Southwest: Jason Takes Manhattan!

Sunday, July 11
Let's just assume that the fourth installment of "Better Know A- Lberta!" has something to do with the World Cup final today, okay? Surely there's some Dutch or Spanish people in Lethbridge, right?

Thursday, July 8
Our third installment of "Better Know A- Lberta!" today pays tribute to Calgary-West, home to not only the Stamps and Olympic Park, but to one of Canada's proudest MPs, Rob Anders! It was Anders who famously said "when in doubt, communicate!" Or was it "when in doubt, whip it out?" Oh hell, what did he say again?

Tuesday, July 6
Nation, we here at the CCC have come across one of the most shocking stories of the decade...Weezie the cat is coming back! This little rascal made its daring political escape from Peace River all the way to the Yukon, before the cat-stapo forced him back into the oppressive northern Alberta lanscape. We pay our respects to Weezie with the second installment of "Better Know A- Lberta!," highlighting Peace River. Fight the power, Weezie!

Sunday, July 4
What better way to commemorate a truly great nation's birthday (more explosive fireworks = more great) than by revisiting the words of our forefathers...in this case, the gospel of Sir Dr. Stephen? So kick back, crack open a beer and get ready to be enraged - by reliving the "Better Know A- Lberta!" series! First on the docket, Edmonton-Strathcona - the New Democrat "East Berlin" of Alberta, if you will!

Thursday, July 1
It has been a quiet few months, but today we bust out the birthday candles and diapers - it's Colberta's first birthday! Let us celebrate in the hope that the next year the Citizens For Colberta Coalition brings more awareness, more shit-disturbing...and most importantly, more media whoring! To the next year in the capital of Colberta with Sir Dr. Stephen!

Wednesday, March 31
Although we at the Colberta Coalition are so NOT jealous at the fact that other Albertans may beat us to the Report, we are proud to announce our full endorsement of the No More Grizzlies campaign before the Alberta Legislature. Finally, someone with the grizzly balls has stepped up, and is working tirelessly to free us Albertans from our horrible, mangled deaths at the hands of these godless killing machines! Check them out today…and start stocking up on cement bags!

Monday, January 18
In the spirit of Canadian patriotism, with the Olympics coming up and such...I've decided to take a page from El Primo Ministro and prorogue Colberta.com! We'll be back whenever Steve Harper decides he's back to work as well!

Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy new year, Nation! With the eyes of the world on Canada this year, here's to a year chock full o' non-stop proroguing, oil sands drilling, and the year the Colbertan Revolution takes heed across Canada! Keep up the good fight, nation - our time will come in 2010!

Tuesday, November 24
Many of you must think the CCC is livid at Sir Dr. Colbert's new tirade against our fair nation of "ice-holes," for blocking his beloved US Speedskating team from practicing here - but the CCC's official stance on the matter? Indifferent! Why must we get involved in a matter regarding a BC rink, and mostly Quebecois or Saskatchewanian skaters, Nation? We are not getting our fair share of media attention!

Thursday, October 22
The rumours of Kanye dying may be true, but we are far from dead here at the CCC, Nation! The Canadian University Press article finally launched yesterday, and you can now check it out in UofA's The Gateway! Keep an eye out, Canadian uni students...you may be next!

Sunday, October 11
Nation - it may be a premature Turkey Day up in my soon-to-be constituency, but there is no turkeying around here at the CCC! We are still diligently fighting for Colbertan independence (and fighting a dual front against the dreaded Albertans For Alberta), and will soon have a feature article in the Canadian University Press! So all Alberta uni students at Calgary, Alberta, Lethbridge, Athabasca, NAIT and SAIT...your mission details will soon be in your student paper!

Thursday, October 1
Well Nation, October showers bring winter madness! Today I received a very subtly-worded email from the "Albertans For Alberta," apparently some sort of political action group taking this site far too seriously, and hellbent on the shutdown of this site. Their leader, Joseph Reimenschneider, is trying his damndest to close Colberta.com...so let's try even damnder to stop him! Check out his web-hate at www.albertansforalberta.net and give him a shout to get a life...and get the joke already!

Wednesday, September 23
New development: there is currently an ongoing competition for architects to design Calgary's new East Village bridge across St. Patrick's island. And while this may be all good and well, so far the Calgary Municipal Land Corporation only plans on naming this new bridge the "St. Patrick's Bridge"...this is a HUGE injustice, Nation! Contact the CMLC now and demand the bridge be named for Sir Dr. Colbert - he's been known to demand these sorts of things before!

Sunday, September 20
Nation - I am not dead! The pace has slowed down a bit in Colberta-land, as all of the emails have been sent, all the pestering has been done...all that is left now to do is wait with baited breath and fingers crossed! Sir Dr. Colbert, the ball is in your court, sir!

Tuesday, September 15
Check out a feature on Colberta.com THIS MORNING on "The Show," on X92.9 in Calgary between 7-7:30 MST...where the newest Colberta initiative, Operation Humble Kwong-ye, will be revealed to the world! Enlist now, Nation...Cascade Mountain ain't gonna graffiti itself!

Monday, September 14
Check out the kickass new feature for the CCC on Torontoist.com, written by warrior-poet extraordinaire Lori Dance! And due to technical difficulties, the interview this morning on "The Show" on X92.9 in Calgary has been postponed until tomorrow...but be sure to stay tuned between 7-7:30 MST for Chapter Two!

Oh, and something about Colberta.com being featured on the main page of COLBERTNATION.com!?! Check out "State Of The Nation" for the link!

Sunday, September 13
Quieter weekend, but be sure to check the CCC out "The Show" tomorrow morning between 7-7:30 AM MST on X92.9 in Calgary! And stay tuned for a new feature article on Torontoist.com tomorrow!

Friday, September 11
It has only gotten wilder, Nation! Since the Herald article went live last night, I've since been on 660 News in Calgary (listen in every half hour for the story rotation), and will be on Calgary's X92.9 "The Show" this Monday between 7-7:30 AM MST (9-9:30 EST)! But not to worry, Edmonton...I'll be over your airwaves soon, stay tuned!

8PM PST UPDATE: Be sure to tune in to the 11:30 news on CTV Edmonton to check out a feature with Kim Taylor on Colberta.com!!

Thursday, September 10
The takeover has begun, Nation...we made the national papers!!! Check out the CCC's feature articles in both the Calgary Herald and Edmonton Journal, as well as the full article by Herald writer Stephen Hunt (only best thing I've read all year!)! It only goes up from here, Nation - Kwong and Stelmach, start clearing your offices!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Nation - the CCC's epic 28-part series Better Know A- Lberta! has come to a close...but I'm still furious! So it is with great pride (and gravitas!) that I introduce the official Colbertan "On Notice" board! Beware, "Colbertan 8"...all it takes is a quick slamming of the oil industry, or a bumping of the PST before you find your way to the CCC's "De-eh-d" To Me board!